Why Work Days Shouldn't Begin Until Noon

Yesterday, I had one of those frazzled Monday mornings where I got up in plenty of time but everything went wrong and I ended up being late for work. In the midst of the chaos, I even forgot to shave, so I was not only late, I looked like a terrorist to boot. The whole episode knocked my day hopelessly off course and I never really recovered.

So in an effort to prevent a repeat of something like that today, I decided that I would start getting ready for work at 7:30 rather than my usual 8. (I need to leave by 8:40 to get the office by 9). Here's how it went:

6:20: Liz wakes up to the alarm (going off for the 3rd or 4th time) and exclaims how horrifically late she is.

6:25: Same.

6:34: See above.

6:40: Wake up, make coffee and deliver to Liz (who has impressively recouped about 30 minutes of morning prep time) on her way out the door 10 minutes later. Do a brief Internet search while drinking coffee.

7:30: Turn on water to take shower, but remember that I forgot to eat breakfast. Crap. This is not starting off well.

7:40: Quick breakfast complete, I turn on the water to take a shower. But my towel and change of clothes are upstairs, so I walk up to get them. Forget to put contacts in while I'm up there. Vision-optional shower begins, back downstairs, 5 minutes later.

7:55: Forget whether or not I've already washed my hair and decide to do it again just to be safe.

8:00: Get out of shower, put on pants and only matching pair of socks, and immediately step into a giant pool of showerside water, which I didn't see without my contacts.

8:02: How does one quickly dry a sock when one's dryer has just been destroyed in a flood? Hmm...

8:05: Microwave sock. Successfully.

8:07: Put in contacts and dress shirt and return downstairs.

8:10: Cat needs water.

8:12: Remember that I forgot to shave yesterday and, vowing not to repeat the mistake, go back upstairs to shave.

8:14: Remember that I left razor and shaving foam in downstairs bathroom, walk back downstairs to shave.

8:20: Shave complete, I remember that garbage pick-up is Tuesday and ours is overflowing. Walk to back door to take out trash. Remember that dress shoes are in my car, which is parked out front. Search unsuccessfully for downstairs shoes and return upstairs to grab a pair.

8:24: Our back door deadbolt can only be unlocked (from either side) with a house key. I have no idea where those are.

8:27: Key found, I unlock back door and take out the trash, hoping no one sees me rocking the dress shirt, slacks and slippers look.

8:31: Bathroom.

8:33: Vitamin.

8:35: Remember that I've only halfway packed my lunch. Frantically search for easily prepped food, as I need to leave in 5 minutes.

8:40: Lunch packed, and I'm ready to go, just in time to get to the office by 9. But I forgot to pack gym clothes. Run upstairs.

8:43: Remember that I packed gym clothes yesterday but decided not to go, so I still have everything I need in the car. Back downstairs.

8:45: Except the shoes I took out to wear to Target. Back upstairs.

8:47: About to walk out the door again, but really thirsty after all this activity, so I go to the kitchen to grab a bottled water. And that library book I was going to finish at lunch.

8:51: Finally leave the house for good, but notice a beer can a cigarette pack someone has thrown on my front yard, which I deposit in the trash bin.

8:53: Leave for work and realize there's only a 50 percent chance I have enough gas to make it to the office. Inexplicably, I decide I'm feeling lucky and take my chances.

9:05: Miraculously sputter in to my office parking lot, which of course, is completely full for the first time in recorded history. Finally manage to wedge into a small crevice and get to the office by 9:15 after the 10-minute uphill walk.

5:15: Stop by the gym after work and stopping at first available gas station. Find gym shorts, socks and shoes in the back seat, but an exhaustive search reveals no t-shirt. Which is curious, because not only do I remember packing one yesterday, I received an additional free t-shirt Saturday while volunteering that I'm positive should be in there. But it isn't.

5:31: After surveying the contents of my car and considering a workout in button-down dress shirt, rain coat or just topless, I decide to walk over to next door wine store instead.

I'd say I deserved it.