Splashville follies

There's often a tinge of humorous absurdity in tragic situations. In moments where it seems better to laugh than cry, our city is providing plenty of material:

News stations are showing pictures of sportsmen fishing in major public roadways. People are literally catching their dinner in their driveways. I didn't read the article closely, but it appeared from a headline I saw that one guy caught a record-sized carp in front of a shopping center (No, the center didn't include a Bass Pro Shop). People started fishing in the streets almost as soon as the river waters overflowed into them (the streets, that is). I can't say I understand the mindset of someone who's first response to this type of tragedy is to break out the rod and reel, but whatever floats one's boat, I suppose.

My neighbor got a workout by kayaking through his basement. He's very proud of the pictures.

The Opry Mills Mall, which is completely flooded inside and out, contains a business that operates a small indoor aquarium. Reports are that the fish tanks have been subsumed within the flood waters, and there are now piranhas drifting freely around the mall. No word on whether the sting rays have escaped as well. Either way, they are going to have to pay some adventurous contractors a WHOLE lot of money to clean up that mess. I've heard that shopping can be dangerous, but this is ridiculous.

The city (which locals are now referring to as "Splashville") is on the verge of running out of clean tap water (ironic, isn't it?) and is asking people to conserve as much as possible. So yesterday when we wanted to rinse the grime off of some dishes to put them in the dishwasher (to be run when the water supply increases) we made good use of our basement spring flood water.

Those free-roaming bison I mentioned yesterday still have not been captured.

Seriously, if you have piranhas swimming through your mall, how do you fix that? It seems too dangerous to go in there before the water is gone, but if you drain the water into the nearby Cumberland River, you risk populating it with man-eating carnivores-- who haven't eaten since the mall closed several days ago! But if you empty the water in any other direction, those street fishermen are going to be in for quite an unpleasant surprise.

The social event of the year in town, the Iroquois Steeplechase, is a Kentucky Derby-like event where people sit around in fancy hats, sip mint juleps or some similar concoction and possibly wager on the races. Despite the flooding, the race is still on for this weekend. This year, though, the emerging favorite is not a Kentucky Thoroughbred or a Tennessee Walker. It's a seahorse.

I'm sure there will be more to come as we swim out from this mess. In the meantime, God bless. Please pray for Nashville and text "Redcross" to number 90999 to give $10 to the recovery efforts.