Mind in the Sewer

My mind is in the sewer. I'd give anything if it weren't, but I just can't help it.

I'm not speaking of abstract notions of morality. I'm talking about our toilets.

Bad news usually comes at night. Last night was no exception. Just as the local news was reporting that the city's clean water supply crisis was starting to ease, our water flow went dry (after briefly turning brown).

And that was the best news of the evening.

The worst news was that after flushing a very small bit of toilet water about the same time, a rumble roughly equaling that of a large earthquake shook through our house. Our pipes sounded as if they were going to explode, and the noise went on for several minutes. I can't even describe the stuff that oozed up to replace the toilet water.

This happened at just about the worst possible point in the evening. Had this happened at 7, we just would have gone to a hotel (in the closest county with running water) for the night and dealt with it in the morning. But when your home becomes uninhabitable at 10, it's just late enough that you feel silly driving to an out-of-county hotel for a brief stay. We were already halfway ready for bed, anyway. So after we drove to the nearest 24-hour grocery store to use the bathroom, I decided to call the water company. After enduring the five minutes of number-punching needed to be transferred to an actual human, I was immediately disconnected.

But my second call went something like this:

Operator: Operator number 888 speaking, how may I help you?

Me: I have brown stuff oozing out of our pipes and almost no water pressure.

Operator: What's your address?

Me: (Giving my address)

Operator: Why don't you run kitchen tap for 10 straight minutes and see if it gets better?

Me: Aren't we in a water shortage?

Operator: Yes. But otherwise we'll have to send someone out there.

Me: Ok, but I also have it coming up our toilets, and the house shakes like a thunderclap after we flush them.

Operator: Just call us back in 10 minutes.

So after 10 minutes go by and nothing changes, I call again:

(New) Operator: Operator number 999 speaking, what is your address?

Me: (Giving our address)

Him: How may I help you?

Me: I just called a while ago. I have almost no water pressure and black stuff coming out our taps and up our toilet. The entire house shakes when we flush it. The operator told me to call back in 10 minutes if the problem wasn't fixed.

Operator: What's your address?

Me: (Giving our address)

Operator: Oh, that's right. You know, sometimes when you flush the toilet not everything goes down in one flush.

Me: Yes, but what comes up shouldn't be darker than what went down.

Operator: Ok, I just need you to flush your toilet 3 times and call me back if the problem isn't solved.

Me: If I do that, I think our piping will burst.

Operator: If your pipes burst, that's not our problem.

Me: Look, I have sewage coming up our toilet. I've already called 3 times. I need someone to fix it.

Operator: We'll send someone out, but it may be awhile. And I need your address.

At 4 a.m., I awoke and decided to check things out. The situation had not improved, so I called back. On my fourth call, I reached the same guy.

Me: Hi, I called at 10 about sewage back-up. It still hasn't been fixed.

Him: Ok, I remember you. Let me look in your file... I see a technician went out to your house at 11, but he couldn't work on your system because it was dark outside.

Me: Why does the technician work at night if he can't do anything in the dark?

Him: It's complicated. Sometimes they can work at night, but they don't like to be walking around people's houses at night for safety reasons.

Me: Then why did he drive over to my house in the first place?

Him:  (Long pause.)   Umm.  Anyway, I will send him back out in the morning. But I'm going to need your address.

A utility truck was in fact working on our sewer when I left for work this morning. But for the life of me, I don't know how he ever found our house.