Screaming Children Don't Belong at Nice Restaurants

Three things you should never do at a nice restaurant:

(1) use your hands to consume your meal;
(2) put your elbows on the table;
(3) bring your screaming, ill-behaved small child along with you. 

I actually don't care about the first two.  You can lick your fingers all you want, as long as I'm not sitting at your table. And I've never understood the point of the elbows thing.  But I draw the line at number three.

No one should ever bring an emotionally unstable small child to a non-private room in what is otherwise a quiet, upscale restaurant. Your two-year-old's presence at your upscale meal isn't going to enhance your dining experience. And there's a better than average chance it will ruin everyone else's.  Even if your kid isn't screaming when you get there, it was just a matter of time. 

Here's a tip:  if you have an emotionally volatile child, you are probably used to his or her epic meltdowns by this point.  Everyone else in the restaurant, however, is not. 

Proceed accordingly.

Before I offend everyone in cyberspace who has ever been the parent of a small child, let me clarify.  I'm not complaining about parents who take a small child to Outback, Red Lobster, or some other casual, family-style restaurant. I'm not even talking about the parents who take their small child to a Sunday brunch buffet at a fancy restaurant.

Nor am I complaining about the family who reserves a private room or large table for a family event at a really nice place, where the noise of the gathering is likely already high, and having the whole family together is the purpose of the occasion. 

I'm talking about the people who take their rambunctious munchkin with them on a Friday or Saturday night to a restaurant where practically everyone else there is either on a special-occasion date or important business venture.

These are, without fail, the same people who, once there, ignore both their children's cries and the dirty looks of those around them.  These are the families who haven't taught their children the difference between appropriate behavior in a restaurant with tableclothes and McDonald's Playland. 

I'm talking about people who just don't care. If you have enough self-awareness to wonder if any of the above applies to you, then by definition, it probably doesn't. 

So who am I talking about?  The family I encountered last weekend, for one.

It was then that Liz and I had our long-overdue celebratory dinner for selling our former house last month. We went to the semi-famous Sunset Grill--one of the nicest places in town.  It's a Nashville institution, the preferred destination of music industry power lunches and an occasional hangout of the stars. 

We only go out to a nice dinner about once every three months, so we were thrilled at the opportunity. 

But when we got there, what happened "down at the Sunset Grill," would have shocked even Don Henley.

A family, dressed as though they were attending a baseball game, was seated at the far end of the restaurant with a 6ish-year-old child, who was too old to be screaming his lungs out in public, but too young for his family to expect him to appreciate dining at one of the nicest restaurants in a major metropolitan city.

How a frumpily dressed family wearing jeans and baseball ended up at one of the nicest restaurants in town, small child in tow, is a mystery. Sunset Grill is in a neighborhood full of casual eateries befitting a family-style meal, so it's not like they were a group of hungry tourists desperate for whatever dining option they could find.  Instead, this family just chose to go to one of the nicest restaurants in town but to neither dress up, find a babysitter, nor attempt to control a screaming child while there.

Perhaps the group got lost on their way to Wal-Mart and decided to stop in the first place they saw.

Anyway, the fun began a few minutes after we were seated, when we heard the child yelling from across the restaurant, for no reason in particular. Sometimes he yelled specific requests, sometimes he yelled inaudible noises just for the sake of doing so.  His parents and grandparents mostly just ignored him, occasionally responding casually to his demonic whining.   

Our attempts to ignore him failed when we found ourselves unable to complete a sentence without hearing a cross-restaurant demand for a cheeseburger.  Or a coloring book.  Or to simply be the focus of attention.  Of the entire restaurant. Meanwhile, his parents chirped away pleasantly, making no attempt to quiet the hellboy down. 

A few minutes later, hellboy was rolling around the floor, as the words "I want chocolate" rang out.  His party seemed to think the spectacle was cute. 

And soon thereafter, much to the chagrin of everyone else in the restaurant, they ordered dessert. 

The parents must have known their child did not have the maturity to endure a long dinner. The rest of the restaurant seemed to figure it out pretty quickly.

Our waitress shrugged at us apologetically, but the boy's parents just didn't care. 

We had our quarterly fancy meal, and all I really remember from it is the child from the underworld who wouldn't shut up. 

This wasn't the first time we've had a nice dinner ruined by parents who thought their lack of a babysitter outweighed the dining pleasure of the rest of the restaurant.  We once had another meal where a newborn at a $30 a plate eatery commandeered the attention of the entire upstairs of the restaurant, while the parents (also dressed in jeans and baseball caps) obliviously chatted with their friends. 

I guess some people just don't care.

If you are one of these people, I have news for you:

The married couple paying who actually hired a babysitter and is paying $100 on top of that to have a romantic meal out does not find their experience enhanced by a soundtrack of your child's shrieks.

While a couple on a first date might have a lull in their conversation, they don't want their silence filled by your four-year-old's deafening pleas for French fries.

The candidate on her job interview might need a moment to find the right answer to a tricky question, but it shouldn't be because she can't hear herself think due to the constant cacophony coming from your table.

I understand that all parents need a night out sometimes.  I get that some people can't afford babysitters or don't have access to one who is reliable. It's predictable that parents become immune to the histrionics of their own children after awhile. But being a parent in one of those situations doesn't provide you the right to ruin other people's special occasions. 

If you don't have access to a babysitter, but decide to go out, then go somewhere casual, at least until your child is old enough to behave appropriately.  Use the money you save to hire a babysitter next time.  If all else fails, and you simply must go somewhere nice, go out on a weeknight, when your child's tortured wailing is more likely to interrupt co-workers blowing off steam than couples celebrating important milestones.

If you somehow find yourself unavoidably in a nice restaurant with a small child, stay observant as to whether your child is behaving appropriately, and whether anyone else seems to be annoyed.   

You might think your child's restaurant rampage is an adorable show, but no one else is amused.

And if you don't care about that, you should.