Not too long ago, I was at a cathedral in San Juan, Puerto Rico, looking at Christopher Columbus' ornate ivory tomb. As I stood there, I couldn't help but think deep, complicated socio-political thoughts such as: how do we know he is actually in there?
Eventually, I moved on from that question. Next, the cynic in me began to wonder how many civilizations I'd need to destroy to get similar luxury post-mortem accommodations. When I went there, I should have known Columbus' spirit would avenge my lack of reverence at some point.
So I should have seen it coming when I woke up on this Columbus Day with chills all over and a throat in need of rescue by whatever local fire department might happen to be open today. After all, if Columbus could overcome native resistance by those who outnumbered him by at least tenfold to help colonize the Americas, surely he had the power to give me a cold from the grave.
I'm sure it didn't help that I'm part Native American, and Columbus wasn't particularly fond of my kind. In fact, he's been giving my ancestors diseases for which we had no immunity ever since he arrived. If Columbus wanted retribution for my graveside slight, this was absolutely the path of least resistance.
Although today was not a scheduled holiday for me, like it or not, I ended up being forced to celebrate Columbus Day. My celebration has mostly included eating a lot of soup and the spiciest, most sinus-clearing foods I can get find, but that's beside the point. I'm pretty sure Ole Chris just wanted me to stay home from work.
If the spirit of Columbus so badly wanted me to stop and appreciate what Columbus Day means that he infected me with illness from the afterlife, I guess I should take time to do that now--if only so that I don't get sick again next year.
So today, I'm here to write about the wonders of the most obscure holiday observed by federal employees and roughly 28 other people. If you wanted meaningful analysis of Columbus's life or the historical impacts of his voyage, you probably shouldn't have clicked on the blog of someone whose all-time most popular post was about an invasion of red-eyed bugs.
With that in mind, let us explore what, exactly, Columbus Day means.
It means that, for about 8 percent of the population, it means a chance to have a day off when the weather is nice. For the rest of us, it means that bill that we should have paid last week will now definitely be late, because the post office won't deliver today, and we didn't remember to mail it on Saturday.
Columbus Day means more than that, however. It also means that we when we arrived at work today (having faced slightly less traffic than usual--a fact that Mr. Explorer certainly would have appreciated), we looked down at our calendar to see something printed on the square representing today's date. And then, collectively at 8:47 a.m., we said to ourselves, "Oh, yeah. Too bad I'm not off today. What a waste."
In some city somewhere, there is probably a parade today, but I can't imagine what kind of floats it would have or who would go to it.
For me personally, Columbus Day meant that the line at the bank was unusually long last Friday afternoon, and when I finally got to the window, the teller said something about a long weekend coming up and I gave her a funny look because I had no idea what she was talking about.
Most importantly for me, Columbus Day meant that when I woke up feeling crappy today, I had an excuse not to call in sick, because, hey, the courts are closed today anyway.
I'm pretty sure this is the type of remembrance Columbus had in mind when he set sail from Europe in 1492. In fact, historical records tell us that he had three goals when he set his ships to sail: (1) establish a spice trade; (2) explore new worlds; and (3) secure himself a holiday in the country near where he would eventually land that would someday be observed by only bankers, postmen, and federal employees.
And if this was, in fact, what he wanted, then job well done.
That is what Columbus Day means to me. I encourage you to find your own meaning in this most solemn and important holiday. Your options are nearly limitless:
Find a furniture store having a "30-percent off" sale.
In the spirit of exploration, find a quicker route to work, because, hey, you probably didn't get today off anyway.
Talk like a pirate, because without Columbus, there wouldn't have been any in the Caribbean.
Make a pilgrimage to Columbus, Ohio.
Order a pizza.
Take someone else's land.
Kill an Indian.
In other words, do whatever you need to find a way to make this day your own.
As for me, I plan to continue my Columbus Day celebration in my own special way. What little energy I have left from the Revenge of Columbus Death Bug, I plan to use by fending off the advances of a hyperactive and under-stimulated cat named Trouble, who is foaming at the mouth at the unexpected prospect of having weekday daytime companionship.
The man who brought Trouble Cat's ancestors to the New World surely would approve.
Maybe he'll even release his grip on my sinuses.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment