Random Thoughts: To Make a Long Story Short

Usually on the week of my birthday I offer a reflective an inspirational message on living life with greater purpose.  I did that two years ago, and I did it again last year when I turned older than Jesus.

This year, though, that doesn't feel right. 

After all, half the country is underwater from the impact of Hurricane Sandy, and people could probably use an emotional break.  When Nashville flooded two years ago, laughing about it in this space is the only thing that kept me (sort of) sane. 

So in the interest of some lighthearted relief from tragedy, I'm making the executive decision that it's time to resurrect another edition of "Random Thoughts."  

If you don't like it, get your own blog. 

And if you read this and are underwhelmed, I have a thought (or more) for you:

How come people are overwhelmed or underwhelmed, but no one is ever just "whelmed"? 

And why is it that being called "out of whack" isn't all that different from just being "whack?" (at least when that term was last used in 1992).  And why is nothing ever "in whack."

Why is it that people will write things on your facebook page that they'd never actually say to you in person? 

And speaking of which, there are three things you should never do while drunk: (1) drive; (2) text or call someone you haven't spoken to in the last two weeks or for whom you've ever harbored unrequited romantic feelings; or (3) anything on facebook.

Election years are to Saturday Night Live what October is to a costume store.

Whenever someone uses the phrase "to make a long story short," you can rest assured that you're about to hear a very long story that also isn't very interesting.  Kind of like how if you ever hear start a sentence with the words "I'm not racist but" you should just immediately run screaming the other direction. 

When costume stores are selling a woman's costume entitled "Sexy Super Mario," they've officially run out of ideas. 

The election would be more entertaining if it started with a series of competitions, such as arm wrestling, in which the winner gets a 500-vote bonus in a state of his choosing. 

Or, maybe it makes more sense to just determine the whole thing in a best-three-out-of-five series consisting of Chess, Risk, Poker, Trivial Pursuit and Monopoly? 

There's a bar in Nashville that is publicly advertising Moonshine sales on Halloween night "Full Moon Party."  But is it really still moonshine if it's legally obtained?

There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.

So Disney bought the rights to "Star Wars" today.  How long until Goofy and Jar Jar are paired together for a wacky adventure that goes straight to DVD?  

A good portion of the really intelligent people I know are terrible at small talk.  At least that's what I keep telling myself, in an attempt to boost my self esteem.

I'm trying to think of the most random "treat" I can give to trick-or-treaters tomorrow night without it being entirely obvious that my treat is a farce.  So far, my best ideas are tea bags, apples and containers of floss.  My wife talked me out of distributing loose grains of rice.

I'm sending prayers out to everyone I know (and those I don't) on the East Coast today affected by the storm. If you live there and are able to read this, I hope this blog provides a moment of distraction from the ongoing saga.  If you've lost power, take heart. At least you get a brief respite from political commercials. 

Take care. Better things are yet to come.