My shower curtain has a tag on it that says "Do Not Dry Clean." Is that really an issue?
I understand where the word "Sunday" came from (day of sun), even though it sometimes rains. But what about Monday through Friday? What's a day of Mon? Or a day of Wednes? Who came up with these terrible names?
Rule of Life Number 189: a community that supports a Ryan's Buffet is unlikely to have a lively theatre scene.
Why is that people only report ghost sightings in old, decrepit buildings? If ghosts really exist, why wouldn't they rather live in a modern McMansion, with a nice pool and all the latest gadgets, rather than a 150-year-old two bedroom in a bad part of town. Just saying.
If you ride a horse to work and park it on a downtown street, do you still have to feed the meter?
Why is it that religion-themed roadside signs that say things like "JESUS SAVES" only appear in conservative rural areas, where most everyone is already a Christian?
Do news anchors tell bad news to their loved ones with the same plastered smile they use to give their daily crime reports?
Why is it that people who don't belive in global warming tend to also be against abortion and high taxes on the rich? Is there some hidden connection here that I'm missing?
After February, I think the worst month of the year is July. But I'd listen to arguments for January and August.
Why do coaches and players have to answer to the media after games and explain their mistakes but referees and umpires don't have to?
Why would national news outlets rather repeatedly tell me that New York City survived Hurrican Irene with no major drama than mention the devastation it rendered elsewhere?
Speaking of which, when a tropical storm hits New England, shouldn't they call it (the storm) something else?
Three-day weekends in this country always end of Monday. Would anyone complain if the celebration was Friday instead? This would work a whooooollllllllle lot better.
More on that next time...
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The Triumphant Return of Ask Andrew
From 2000-2002, the people of Nashville had a place to which they could turn to get insightful answers to all of life’s most unimportant questions. Few actually bothered to do so, however, so this column faded away when its author graduated law school and lost control of a published medium funded through student activity fees.
Now, thanks to the wonder of the Internets, “Ask Andrew” makes its triumphant return. Or at least its return. We don’t want to get your hopes up unrealistically.
Q: So, where have you been for the last nine years?
A: Let’s just say I’ve given a lot of thought to these questions.
Q: Really? Why start now?
A: Touche'
Q: It’s 5:50 and I’m at the airport sitting by the gate, waiting for my plane to board. Why does the screen still list my flight status as “on time” for a 5:30 departure?
A: If they told you the truth—that you are waiting for a plane stuck in Cleveland with mechanical issues that no one there is remotely qualified to remedy because the one mechanic employed by the airline is assigned to Atlanta today—you might go ahead and kill someone now. If they withhold this information until after midnight, when your flight is ultimately cancelled, you might lose your own will to live in the meantime and thus present no threat to anyone but yourself. Airlines know this.
Q: Ok, but why won’t the airline at least let me know the delay will be long enough for me leave the gate area to go use the bathroom without fear of missing the plane?
A: They don’t like you.
Q: Why don’t vending machines take pennies? Aren’t the owners just taking all the change to the bank to deposit anyway?
A: Perhaps they fear that a customer using pennies would back up the line. But when is the last time you saw a line at a vending machine?
Q: I’m the one who gets to ask the questions around here.
A: Sorry, I forgot how this works.
Q: Why does my cat’s breath smell like cat food?
A: Do I really have to answer that?
Q: I only feed him tacos.
A: You have bigger problems than I am qualified to handle.
Q: What is this Iowa Straw Poll thing I keep hearing about? Do they really vote with straw? What’s wrong with ballots?
A: This is exactly why the vote totals are so misleading. Voters cast their straw in a pile for sane, rationale (if a bit boring) candidates like John Huntsman, Tim Pawlenty or Mitt Romney, but then the straws blow in the wind over to another pile and end up being counted for Michelle Bachmann. This is how she won. Surely.
Q: I don’t like my job.
A: That’s not a question.
Q: What is the proper response when the guy beside you at the gym is lifting 20 pounds but grunting like the electricity of a small country is being provided through his decibel level alone?
A: Make an audio recording consisting of a jet airplane flying closely overhead, and the diner scene in When Harry Met Sally (“I’ll have what she’s having.”). Label it “You at the Gym” and anonymously stick it on the offender’s windshield during his next workout.
Q: Wait, didn’t you use that same “that’s not a question” joke nine years ago?
A: I’m likely to use it in 2020 as well.
Q: Please tell me that’s also the target date for the next one of these crappy columns?
A: It will either be 2020 or sometime next month. You’ll just have to wait and see.
Now, thanks to the wonder of the Internets, “Ask Andrew” makes its triumphant return. Or at least its return. We don’t want to get your hopes up unrealistically.
Q: So, where have you been for the last nine years?
A: Let’s just say I’ve given a lot of thought to these questions.
Q: Really? Why start now?
A: Touche'
Q: It’s 5:50 and I’m at the airport sitting by the gate, waiting for my plane to board. Why does the screen still list my flight status as “on time” for a 5:30 departure?
A: If they told you the truth—that you are waiting for a plane stuck in Cleveland with mechanical issues that no one there is remotely qualified to remedy because the one mechanic employed by the airline is assigned to Atlanta today—you might go ahead and kill someone now. If they withhold this information until after midnight, when your flight is ultimately cancelled, you might lose your own will to live in the meantime and thus present no threat to anyone but yourself. Airlines know this.
Q: Ok, but why won’t the airline at least let me know the delay will be long enough for me leave the gate area to go use the bathroom without fear of missing the plane?
A: They don’t like you.
Q: Why don’t vending machines take pennies? Aren’t the owners just taking all the change to the bank to deposit anyway?
A: Perhaps they fear that a customer using pennies would back up the line. But when is the last time you saw a line at a vending machine?
Q: I’m the one who gets to ask the questions around here.
A: Sorry, I forgot how this works.
Q: Why does my cat’s breath smell like cat food?
A: Do I really have to answer that?
Q: I only feed him tacos.
A: You have bigger problems than I am qualified to handle.
Q: What is this Iowa Straw Poll thing I keep hearing about? Do they really vote with straw? What’s wrong with ballots?
A: This is exactly why the vote totals are so misleading. Voters cast their straw in a pile for sane, rationale (if a bit boring) candidates like John Huntsman, Tim Pawlenty or Mitt Romney, but then the straws blow in the wind over to another pile and end up being counted for Michelle Bachmann. This is how she won. Surely.
Q: I don’t like my job.
A: That’s not a question.
Q: What is the proper response when the guy beside you at the gym is lifting 20 pounds but grunting like the electricity of a small country is being provided through his decibel level alone?
A: Make an audio recording consisting of a jet airplane flying closely overhead, and the diner scene in When Harry Met Sally (“I’ll have what she’s having.”). Label it “You at the Gym” and anonymously stick it on the offender’s windshield during his next workout.
Q: Wait, didn’t you use that same “that’s not a question” joke nine years ago?
A: I’m likely to use it in 2020 as well.
Q: Please tell me that’s also the target date for the next one of these crappy columns?
A: It will either be 2020 or sometime next month. You’ll just have to wait and see.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Life is Hard, So Go Live It
Let’s just say life has been interesting lately.
Not too long ago, an armed robber tried to break into my house.
Shortly before that, during a stretch in which I went out of town for 12 straight weeks, I was forced to spend the night in a haunted hotel in Tucson, Arizona, a city that doubles as the most Godforsaken place on earth.
When I finally came home to Nashville, it was under attack by an army of Killer Death Cicadas and the obnoxiously loud frogs in my neighbor’s unfortunate above-ground swimming pool.
We took a vacation in the Bermuda Triangle to get away from the madness at home, and immediately upon our return every single electronic or mechanical device in our possession went haywire at the same time, including our coffee maker, lawnmower, refrigerator, cable modem, computer, our brand new e-reader and even our car. Both our cars.
Basically, our house was the scene of the largest electronics revolt in history in which Will Smith didn’t play the protagonist.
Meanwhile, my mom narrowly escaped medical catastrophe, my wife’s 17-year-old niece got pregnant with twins and my brother-in-law announced an out-of-town wedding on two week’s notice, and all the while work for which I don't have the mental energy has relentlessly piled up on my desk.
It’s been a wild summer.
What have I learned from it?
Life is full of moments when things go wrong. It’s full of dashed hopes and broken coffee makers and changes that come before you’re ready for them. It’s filled with hired hands who care considerably less about your stuff than you do, and instances when you find 60 cents in your desk drawer when the vending machine requires 65.
Life is hard.
So hard that life’s frustrations can easily become the defining story of your life if you let them. If your life isn’t about something else—something bigger—its burdens can become life’s defining feature, because there just isn’t enough pleasure to go around to cancel out all the crap.
But life’s endless array of trivial problems somehow seem smaller when I realize my life is supposed to be about something bigger than my own comfort.
We weren’t made for ourselves. We all have a unique service to provide to the world. And even though it may feel like it at times, it’s not to be its garbage can.
I promise.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Even you. There’s a path you were meant to travel that leads toward some destination that will make the world a better place by your time spent upon it.
If you don’t immediately recognize one, it’s probably because you talked yourself out of it somewhere along the way. But it’s out there somewhere. There’s a person in the mirror you’d like to be. And not just because other people expect it.
Once you find it, life will still have burdens that derail your plans. But they seem less overwhelming when they are obstacles on the path to a destination instead of just a series of dead ends.
So walk your path. Take some time to refresh yourself along the way with rest, prayer and reflection, as well as some time with loved ones and a few soul-enhancing diversions.
Laugh with friends.
Read a book.
Have a glass of wine.
Make a difference in the world.
Follow your dreams.
Even if they lead somewhere scary.
After all, an uphill climb in the rain in pursuit of your dream will feel easier than a walk in the park on a path meant for someone else.
Your life is out there. Find it. Take it. Live it.
Life is too hard not to.
Not too long ago, an armed robber tried to break into my house.
Shortly before that, during a stretch in which I went out of town for 12 straight weeks, I was forced to spend the night in a haunted hotel in Tucson, Arizona, a city that doubles as the most Godforsaken place on earth.
When I finally came home to Nashville, it was under attack by an army of Killer Death Cicadas and the obnoxiously loud frogs in my neighbor’s unfortunate above-ground swimming pool.
We took a vacation in the Bermuda Triangle to get away from the madness at home, and immediately upon our return every single electronic or mechanical device in our possession went haywire at the same time, including our coffee maker, lawnmower, refrigerator, cable modem, computer, our brand new e-reader and even our car. Both our cars.
Basically, our house was the scene of the largest electronics revolt in history in which Will Smith didn’t play the protagonist.
Meanwhile, my mom narrowly escaped medical catastrophe, my wife’s 17-year-old niece got pregnant with twins and my brother-in-law announced an out-of-town wedding on two week’s notice, and all the while work for which I don't have the mental energy has relentlessly piled up on my desk.
It’s been a wild summer.
What have I learned from it?
Life is full of moments when things go wrong. It’s full of dashed hopes and broken coffee makers and changes that come before you’re ready for them. It’s filled with hired hands who care considerably less about your stuff than you do, and instances when you find 60 cents in your desk drawer when the vending machine requires 65.
Life is hard.
So hard that life’s frustrations can easily become the defining story of your life if you let them. If your life isn’t about something else—something bigger—its burdens can become life’s defining feature, because there just isn’t enough pleasure to go around to cancel out all the crap.
But life’s endless array of trivial problems somehow seem smaller when I realize my life is supposed to be about something bigger than my own comfort.
We weren’t made for ourselves. We all have a unique service to provide to the world. And even though it may feel like it at times, it’s not to be its garbage can.
I promise.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Even you. There’s a path you were meant to travel that leads toward some destination that will make the world a better place by your time spent upon it.
If you don’t immediately recognize one, it’s probably because you talked yourself out of it somewhere along the way. But it’s out there somewhere. There’s a person in the mirror you’d like to be. And not just because other people expect it.
Once you find it, life will still have burdens that derail your plans. But they seem less overwhelming when they are obstacles on the path to a destination instead of just a series of dead ends.
So walk your path. Take some time to refresh yourself along the way with rest, prayer and reflection, as well as some time with loved ones and a few soul-enhancing diversions.
Laugh with friends.
Read a book.
Have a glass of wine.
Make a difference in the world.
Follow your dreams.
Even if they lead somewhere scary.
After all, an uphill climb in the rain in pursuit of your dream will feel easier than a walk in the park on a path meant for someone else.
Your life is out there. Find it. Take it. Live it.
Life is too hard not to.
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