The Triumphant Return of Ask Andrew

From 2000-2002, the people of Nashville had a place to which they could turn to get insightful answers to all of life’s most unimportant questions. Few actually bothered to do so, however, so this column faded away when its author graduated law school and lost control of a published medium funded through student activity fees.

Now, thanks to the wonder of the Internets, “Ask Andrew” makes its triumphant return. Or at least its return. We don’t want to get your hopes up unrealistically.

Q: So, where have you been for the last nine years?

A: Let’s just say I’ve given a lot of thought to these questions.

Q: Really? Why start now?

A: Touche'



Q: It’s 5:50 and I’m at the airport sitting by the gate, waiting for my plane to board. Why does the screen still list my flight status as “on time” for a 5:30 departure?

A: If they told you the truth—that you are waiting for a plane stuck in Cleveland with mechanical issues that no one there is remotely qualified to remedy because the one mechanic employed by the airline is assigned to Atlanta today—you might go ahead and kill someone now. If they withhold this information until after midnight, when your flight is ultimately cancelled, you might lose your own will to live in the meantime and thus present no threat to anyone but yourself. Airlines know this.

Q: Ok, but why won’t the airline at least let me know the delay will be long enough for me leave the gate area to go use the bathroom without fear of missing the plane?

A: They don’t like you.



Q: Why don’t vending machines take pennies? Aren’t the owners just taking all the change to the bank to deposit anyway?

A: Perhaps they fear that a customer using pennies would back up the line. But when is the last time you saw a line at a vending machine?

Q: I’m the one who gets to ask the questions around here.

A: Sorry, I forgot how this works.



Q: Why does my cat’s breath smell like cat food?

A: Do I really have to answer that?

Q: I only feed him tacos.

A: You have bigger problems than I am qualified to handle.



Q: What is this Iowa Straw Poll thing I keep hearing about? Do they really vote with straw? What’s wrong with ballots?

A: This is exactly why the vote totals are so misleading. Voters cast their straw in a pile for sane, rationale (if a bit boring) candidates like John Huntsman, Tim Pawlenty or Mitt Romney, but then the straws blow in the wind over to another pile and end up being counted for Michelle Bachmann. This is how she won. Surely.



Q: I don’t like my job.

A: That’s not a question.



Q: What is the proper response when the guy beside you at the gym is lifting 20 pounds but grunting like the electricity of a small country is being provided through his decibel level alone?

A: Make an audio recording consisting of a jet airplane flying closely overhead, and the diner scene in When Harry Met Sally (“I’ll have what she’s having.”). Label it “You at the Gym” and anonymously stick it on the offender’s windshield during his next workout.



Q: Wait, didn’t you use that same “that’s not a question” joke nine years ago?

A: I’m likely to use it in 2020 as well.

Q: Please tell me that’s also the target date for the next one of these crappy columns?

A: It will either be 2020 or sometime next month. You’ll just have to wait and see.