Blogging the Republican Debate

Moderators: Ok, welcome audience and tv-land.


Please welcome the candidates. Let's get started.


Should we raise the minimum wage?


Trump: No, because we're not winning. We don't win. Our taxes are too high and we're getting beat by the Chinese and by other militaries. We need to start winning.


Rubio: No. By the way, my dad was a bartender. And now I'm running for President! Also we need more welders.


Carson: Thank you for not asking me about those stories I made up to sell my book. It doesn't really matter what I say regardless because I look so professorial up here. I could read the phone book and sound brilliant. Admit it, you love hearing my voice.


Moderators: Why should you be elected?


Trump: We're not winning. We need to start winning. If you elect me, we'll start winning. Because winning.


Bush: We need economic growth. "The growth that we don't have makes the deficit grow." "We need to repeal every rule that Barack Obama has in terms of work in progress." We need to be serious about being serious about being serious.


Trump: We need to get serious about building a wall and deporting illegal immigrants.


Kasich: We can't do that. Think of the children! I have two 16-year old children!


Trump: You're a loser.


Kasich: (stands in a corner)


Moderators: What do you think, Ms. Fiorina?


Fiorina: Crony capitalism. Regulatory thicket. Three-page tax code. We need to take our government back!


Carson: Doesn't my voice sound like Morgan Freeman?


Moderators: Senator Cruz, how would you pay for your massive tax cut?


Senator Cruz: I would cut five departments. The IRS, the Department of Commerce, the Department of Energy...um..., the Department of Commerce and the Department of Energy.


Rubio: The most important job any person in this room will ever have is the job of being a parent. More important than being president. So if you don't have kids you aren't important. So, we need to be pro families. Because the most important job you can is to be the President.  Oh wait, I think I got my lines confused, so I'll just keep saying the word "family."


Moderators: What about the Pacific Trade deal? (inspirational music begins playing for no apparent reason)


Trump: It's a bad deal. We're losing to China, and we'll keeping losing even more to China if we pass this deal. We need to stop being losers!


Paul: Shouldn't we point out that China isn't actually part of this deal?


Moderators: Let's just move on. Mr. Carson, should we have troops in the Middle East?


Carson: Well, the Chinese and the Russians are there now. And jihadists. We need to make them look like losers!


Moderators: Was that your Donald Trump impression?  Oh well.  What about you Ms. Fiorina?


Fiorina: Three-page tax code. Take our government back!


Trump: We need to stop losing.


Moderators: What do you think Governor Bush?


Bush: I think Obama hates America.


Moderators: How would you deal with Putin?


Trump: Well, China is a big problem. And so is Iran. And Iraq. And Putin and I are friends. So someone else should deal with him. Because we're too busy losing.


Fiorina: Wait, I've met Putin too! But I wouldn't talk to him if I were President, because that would hurt his feelings and then he'd do what we want. Also, three-page tax code.


Rubio: I haven't met Putin, but it's kind of weird that you people are name-dropping like this. Do you think Putin is bragging to the Russians that he's met you?


Kasich: Wait, I'm still here? Why? Ok, I'll now make up for the last hour by giving a hurried, rambling speech covering my entire platform in 90 seconds.


Moderators: Ok, Governor Bush: would you bail the banks out again?


Bush: No. Hillary wants them to be too big to fail. We should raise their capital requirements so they aren't too big to fail. "I was just in Washington, Iowa talking about how bad Washington, DC is. It was kind of a, you get the, um (awkward hand motions), well kinda--anyway..." (awkward shrug). The financial crisis was bad and now banks are overregulated.


Carson: The banks need to be regulated so that they don't have so much power. ... What we need is to stop having so much government regulation because it hurts the poor.


All candidates: We're going to talk about how horrible something or someone called Dodd Frank is, but none of us are going to remotely explain what he or it is.  But he's probably a loser.


Moderators: Ok, candidates: why are you a better candidate than Hillary Clinton, because she is a really good candidate. I mean, really good. She was First Lady, Senator, Secretary of State, and pretty much better than all of you. So why shouldn't I just drop you all in the Secret Pit of Doom hidden underneath this stage so she can have her coronation?


Fiorina: That sounds like crony capitalism.


Rubio: She's old.


Moderators: Anyone else have any final words?


Kasich: I have two 16-year old children.


Fiorina: We need to get rid of crony capitalism with my three-page tax plan. We need to take our government back.


Bush: I'm a uniter not a divider. Oh wait, has someone else said that before?


Cruz: We will win! Go to my website!


Rubio: My dad was a bartender!  Here's my website!


Carson: While we've been debating, the world around us is crumbling. Because of political correctness. Also, wouldn't you like to hear my voice for the next 4 years?


Trump: I'm really rich. And I'm winning.