This Blog is Haunted

As of this posting, my blog has 16,666 all-time views, which signifies that it's clearly the work of the devil.


I guess that street preacher's warnings as to the direction of my life were right after all.


But more importantly for you, this means that if you read this blog, the ghost that's been haunting me for the past 36 years is likely to leave my side and end up on your doorstep. 


I sure hope so, because, honestly, Clarence is kind of a bore.


You might think having your very own haunted blog would be exciting. You couldn't be more wrong. The kind of ghost that could exist anywhere in time or space but chooses instead to haunt this blog is by definition pretty lame.


Or perhaps he only seems that way to me. After all, I've heard all his stories at this point, and he isn't much fun at parties. 


He doesn't like to get out much, but instead spends his time telling me not to waste time with this blog, when I could be doing more important things, such as watching wrestling or the latest episode of New Girl.


"That Zooey Deschanel sure is entertainingly quirky," Clarence says.


Clarence serves a vital purpose through his haunting of this blog: he tells me not to write stuff.  Every day that I haven't written something, was because the ghost that haunts this blog told me not to. Unless I was on vacation.


You see, when I try to write my weekly blog installment, Clarence tells me not to bother. He tells me that I'm tired and burnt out and that I don't have anything new to say or any good ideas.


Of course, he's often right on all counts.  But he's still annoying.


On the rare occasions when I do I have an idea for a blog post, Clarence suggests that I should Google myself instead. "After all, how many other people can say that they wrote the Alabama Elevator Code," he asks? "And it's just one quick search away! Besides, they could revise that sucker any day now and your legacy will be lost, so you might as well enjoy it now."


When his helpful ideas aren't sufficiently persuasive, sometimes he causes technical glitches. For instance, the time I got locked out of this site for a couple weeks and couldn't post anything was all Clarence's doing.


Sometimes he even sneaks in after I post stuff and creates typos that I woulds have nevre let slip by me. Other times he writes stuff under my name that just isn't any good. 


Clarence mostly sticks to haunting this blog, but occasionally, when he gets really bored, he tries to haunt the rest of my life too. He tells me not to work on that book because I gave myself a year, which means I have 364 days to do it later. He tells Directv to call me every week with an offer I can't refuse. He tells me to eat that Zebra cake and drink that diet coke, because it hasn't given me cancer yet, so I'm obviously immune.


He tells me not to go to the gym because I'm tired, and that I shouldn't reach out to old friends because I don't know where to start catching up; he tells me that the people close to me couldn't understand my problems, so I should just keep them to myself; he tells me to hit the snooze button again, and then to turn it off and go back to sleep, and then he tells me that I should write run-on sentences.


But alas, Clarence has been with me long enough. I'm hoping that by virtue of posting on this haunted occasion, Clarence will find someone new to haunt.


Maybe there's a go-getter out  there reading this who could use his laid-back influence as a means to bring balance to her life.  Maybe there's a lonely guy out there who just needs a friend, albeit one without physical form or audible means of communication.


Of course, I know what some of you are thinking: Clarence doesn't sound like a real ghost at all, only a figment of my imagination that I've made up as an excuse for my inability to think of a good idea for a column.


And if you're embedded in that kind of negative thinking, I'd say there's a very good chance that Clarence is speaking through you already.


Which means I'm finally rid of him.


Mission accomplished.