Random Thoughts: My Vacuum Cleaner Sucks

I spent most of my narrative energy this week working on my book idea and fighting a sinus infection and bulging disk in my back.  But it's been awhile since I shared another edition of my second-favorite running gimmick for a column, so I figure I can at least give you that.

As always, here they are: Real thoughts. Really random. Let's go!

Is there anything worse than grabbing a cookie that you thought was chocolate chip, taking a bite and discovering those dark spots were actually raisins?  Not only are you left with an inferior cookie, you've wasted an indulgence. Ugh.

The other day I drove by a building that said "Mechanical Pump and Electrical Company." In their front yard was an employee manually pouring out a big bucket of water.  I guess their equipment isn't exactly up-to-date.

People keep expecting me to have strong opinions about the Martin case. But I make it a policy to ignore completely whatever story CNN is obsessing about at the given moment.

The doctor asked me today whether I had a fever. Wasn't it her job to figure that out for me?

If your vacuum cleaner sucks, is that a good thing or a bad thing?

The other day I caught a shuttle bus at the airport. As I climbed aboard, I heard a 400-pound woman tell the guy next to her, "Oh, I've been taking diuretics for years."  I bet she's fun at parties.

Rule of Life #162: the availability of mindlessly entertaining programming on tv at any given moment will always be directly proportional to your need, at that same moment, to get things done. Also, the amount of noise your neighbors are making late at night will be directly proportional to your need to get some sleep.

There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.

If your son is a priest, do you have to call him "Father"? 

A friend just posted a facebook article about a scientific finding that those who have a friend they could call about anything at 4 a.m. tend to live longer than those who don't. Fair enough. But I can't help but think that people who are asleep at 4 a.m. would probably fare even better.

Would anyone complain if we took a day away from July and gave it to September?

Summer is pointless when you're an adult. 

Sign you're getting old number #146: someone asks you how you spent your weekend and you can't decide whether it was more significantly diminished by your achy back or your sinus infection. 

I just saw a commercial for an app on the Kindle Fire where parents can set the device to turn itself off after the kid plays on it for a predetermined length of time, so that the parents don't have to manually raise their children. And word is that the next Kindle Fire will have a retractable arm that can spank your kids each time they try to turn it back on.

Why do hotels always tuck the sheets in so tightly into the beds that you can't even raise your feet up underneath them? And how come the hotel provides you with shampoo and conditioner and occasionally mouthwash but never toothpaste?

That's it for this week. I'll back next week with something less random. Please come back then, provided that your Kindle hasn't automatically shut itself off by that point.