Ask Andrew: The Guide to Summer Fun, Fulfillment and Frivolity

Memorial Day has come and gone, which means that if we invited you over and you haven't shown up yet, you're no longer welcome. 

But the day after Memorial Day means more than that. 

It means you had to go back to work today, even though you'd probably forgotten whatever it was you'd been working on at the end of last week. It means that when you were off target when you wished your co-worker a happy Monday.

But it also means the start of summer!

But let's face it: that prospect probably not as exciting as it used to be when you were a kid. Summer, like nostalgia, isn't what it used to be.

If you're an adult who is not employed in the school system, your summer probably sucks. It's too hot outside, reruns litter your TV, and your kids, if you have them, are soon to get restless and annoying (even more so than usual). Vacation time is hard to come by and doesn't last as long as it did when you were in school. 

But fear not.  Even if your summers are usually hot, sweaty and depressing, I've set out to make sure this one is different. You may never re-live the carefree days of your youth, but dang it, your summer will be better than, say, last February, at least if I have anything to say about it. 

And in this space, I do. 

So without further ado, here is Andrew's Guide to Summer Fun, Fulfillment and Frivolity, presented in the popular Q&A format that I've been using as a literary crutch for the last 13 years:

Q: I have no plans this summer and no one likes me. How do I survive until college football and my favorite TV shows return in September?

A: Use the summer to learn how to trick people into liking you.  That way, you'll be invited to all the A-list cookouts, and you'll get more impromptu calls to join friends at outdoor restaurants than you'll have time to accept.

Here are some tips: When someone speaks to you, don't ever express your actual opinion unless you happen to agree with the speaker.  Just ask questions and nod along until you can gracefully change the subject.  Ask people about their dogs. Learn two sentences worth of knowledge about every common topic of conversation. And if all else fails, offer people drinks (or a handful of multi-colored mints if they are Southern Baptist.) Soon you'll be the most popular person you know (provided you only know a handful of people).

Q: My air conditioner is broken and I can't afford to fix it. How do I not hate my life for the next three months?

A: Go hang out at coffee shops, bookstores, lecture halls, and places of worship. Or go out for drinks. Interpret the situation as the universe's way of telling you to get out more.  And spend the next year saving up to buy a new air conditioner so the universe will leave you the hell alone next summer.

Q: It's May 28th and I'm already sweaty when I come from work every day. What can I do?

A: Sleep at your office.

Q: I'm a cultural snob, and I hate summer because theater and symphony season ends, it's too hot to enjoy outdoor parks, and all the movies out are about stuff blowing up with little extrinsic justification.

A: That's not a question.

Q: True, but you still haven't solved my problem.

A: Sorry, you only get one shot at this.  Go drink some wine.  I'm pretty sure they still sell that in the summertime.

Q: But I only like red wine, and it dehydrates me when it gets hot outside.

A: Move to Australia.  It's winter there and my friends Jon and Rebekah will take care of you.  

Q: How do you know these people?

A: Jon and Rebekah won my undying affection when they told me that they used to sneak off to the woods to make out in the evenings during the ultra-conservative Christian summer music camp where we all served as camp counselors.

Q: I have a job and can't go waltzing off to some Christian summer music camp to look for my excitement like the "one percent" do. What other advice do you have for me?

A: Accept that it's going to be hot outside. Turn up the AC if you can afford it, so that you don't walk around being cranky. Make a list of things you never make time to do during the school year and check them it off over the course of the summer. Take walks at dusk. Take a trip, even if it's just for a weekend. Be friendly. Invest time and energy in something outside yourself or your family. Enjoy a favorite chilled beverage of your choice, and try to slow down the pace of life, at least just a little bit. Things will get suddenly and unexpectedly busy around Labor Day, so rest up while you can.

Q: Anything else?

A: If it's too hot to go outside, I know a nice blog you can read.  It might not bring you fulfillment, but it passes the time nicely until something else does.