A Man's Shopping Trip from Hell

What started as a routine trip to the grocery store ended up as a married man's version of Hell. Here's what happened:

8:30: Grab the grocery list and head to Kroger.  Liz is really tired, so I offerred to do it on my own.

8:36: Notice six items on the list.  Five of them are no big deal, but kinda nervous about number 6. I've never been secure enough in my manhood to feel comfortable shopping for feminine hygiene products. 

8:40: I'll grab everything else first, and then grab those things at the end.  That way, no one will see them in my cart. 

8:42: What exactly are the difference between pads and liners anyway? I've never understood why women need two different versions of these things. 

8:57: Everything else is done, so I'll grab the pads.  I hope this is painless...

9:00: There are only 15 people in the entire grocery store right now, but 12 of them are hanging out in the women's hygiene aisle.  And they all suddenly shift their eyes to stare at the man who just entered it.  How is this possible?

9:01: I hope they move quickly.  I don't want to reach around other shoppers for the sake of buying maxipads, but being creepy guy standing right outside the women's hygiene aisle is probably even worse.

9:05: Everyone has cleared out except for one group, but they've left their cart directly in front of the section I need.  So I'm still lingering around the hygiene aisle, wishing I could disappear...

9:08: The group with the cart is shopping for hair products, but they've left their cart in front of the maxipad section.  They aren't moving very quickly, so I'm just going to have to dive in.  Wait, that came out wrong.

9:11: Hmm.  Maybe I'll look less conspicuous if I pull out my grocery list and pretend to stare at it.  That way, maybe people will know buying these things wasn't my idea.  I pull out the list and try to weave around the cart to reach what I'm looking for.

9:12: How are there this many varieties of pads????   I'm supposed to buy regular-sized, unscented, with wings.  So far I've found scented with wings, regular-sized without wings, long without wings, and regular-sized, scented, without wings.  Also, there's some purple package that seems just like everything else, but doesn't look like what Liz usually buys. This is so confusing.

9:13: Why is everyone staring at me?

9:15: Crap.  Here comes another set of shoppers.  I'm just going to grab something that looks right and go.

9:17: These are unscented with wings, but they are extra long. I can't bring these home.  I screwed up and bought these once before, and that didn't work out so well. I have to walk back.

9:18: Of course, the package won't fit back on the shelf.  As I fumble with my extra long pads, still navigating around the cart directly in front of where I need to be, another set of shoppers walk by, and stare for roughly 30 minutes.  At least it feels that way.

9:23: After five more minutes of camping out in the pad section, I finally found what I'm looking for: regular sized, unscented, with wings.  Thank God. 

9:24: That was awful.  At least maybe now I can go to the self checkout and disappear into the night. 

9:25: There's a really long line at self checkout, but the lines are open at the cashier.  Maybe it won't be too bad. 

9:27: The minute I put the pads on the conveyer belt, a 30-ish single guy gets in line behind me.  He watches me put the pads on the belt, gives me a funny look, and immediately moves to another lane.  I'm not making this up. 

9:30: Realize I left my wedding ring at home on the nightstand.  I guess that explains some of the funny looks.

9:33: Just my luck, I'm stuck with the young cashier who always talks my ear off.  Usually, she tries to flirt with me.  I'm guessing that's not going to happen this time.  Or ever again.   At least some good might come from this. 

9:37: Cashier bags the pads at the very end of the process, leaving them visible for every possible second.  Moments before she puts them in the bag, a young woman comes behind me in the checkout line and watches. She gives me a dirty look. 

9:42: Arrive home. 

9:43: "Hey honey, but how come you bought the store brand instead of Always?"