Andrew Smith writes a blog in this space. That hardly qualifies him to provide answers to life's most vexing questions, but he has a column to write for this week and doesn't have any other ideas. So anyway, here goes another edition of Ask Andrew:
Q: How is it that everyone on earth claims to hate Katy Perry's music, but every idiotic new song she releases ends up #1 on the charts?
A: Humans hate Katy Perry, but ever since her aborted guest spot on the show, she's big in the Sesame Street community, particularly with Elmo. And since he doesn't eat and lives in a drawer, Elmo has a whole lot of money to spend on CDs. He is singlehandedly bankrolling her current success.
Q: If it is an insult to be called "uncouth," does that make being called "couth" a compliment? Why does no one ever use that word?
A: People who are uncouth lives their lives feeling disgruntled, disgusted and overwhelmed. Meanwhile, the "couth" among us are gruntled, gusted and whelmed. You don't hear much about them because they all tend to hang out with each other and drink tea while talking about the weather.
Q: What does it mean to get on one's "last nerve," and why is that worse than getting on one's first nerve?
A: The moderately annoying people in your life only get on about half your nerves. The really obnoxious people you know get on most of your nerves. It takes someone who is truly a piece of work to get on every single nerve you have, even your very last one. I have a unique talent for accumulating these people in my life, for some reason, however.
Q: Who came up with President's Day, and why did we choose to place a holiday in the middle of February when it's too cold to leave the house, instead of, say, June or August, which scream for holiday time but have none?
A: President's Day started as an excuse not to leave the house when it had been cold for two straight months and Martin Luther King hadn't been born yet to provide us with an additional winter holiday. Once he came around and provided us with an actual worthy cause to honor early in each calendar year, instead of switching President's Day to a better holiday falling at a more convenient time of the year, society mostly just forgot about it. The five percent of us who got the day off nonetheless aren't complaining, however.
Q: Are child molesters and rapists somehow naturally predisposed to having mustaches and thick glasses, or does having those things turn otherwise normal people into criminals?
A: 'There are thousands of drivers of those unmarked, white, window-less minivans who are anxiously awaiting the answer to this question. Their fates likely depend on it.
Q: So, what's the answer?
A: I don't know. I would invite you to grow a mustache and see what happens, but the only people who would accept that challenge are those who probably would have committed some sort of sexual felony anyway.
Q: Like millions of Americans, I get home from work, heat up my dinner and sit down to relax in front of the TV at about 6:00 every weeknight. Why is that Judge Judy and Wheel of Fortune are the only things on at the time when most people want to watch something decent on TV?
A: This is a good question, but the better questions are why Wheel of Fortune is still on TV in the first place, and how is it that neither Pat nor Vanna have aged in the last 25 years? The only answer I can think of is that "Wheel" taped roughly one billion shows back when it was popular (1987), and the networks that bought the syndication rights are still burning through the stockpile of shows one day at a time. The good news is that by 2046, we'll finally be done.
Q: Will Katy Perry still be popular then?
A: Sadly, Elmo is going anywhere...
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