Leaving tomorrow on a last-minute one-week to trip to San Diego for work. I'll then be home for about 8 hours before leaving for Indianapolis for a wedding. I'll be back, perfectly exhausted, on Labor Day.
Because I just found out 2 weeks ago that I would be SD all next week, I hadn't planned ahead at work to get everything that needed to be done within the next month finished by tomorrow. And as often happens in these situations, I already had non-cancelable plans lined up for every night this week. So life has been more than a little crazy.
Late August/early September always ends up being like this for me. I'll be back after Labor Day to tell you all about it.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Blogging the Debate
So, I haven't been posting much lately. There are a million culprits- a busy work schedule, too many demands on my free time afterwards, and just not much to say- among them. But election day in Tennessee is tomorrow, and I can't let this slip by without blogging the televised debate between the four candidates last week. There are 3 Republicans and one Democrat who are serious contenders in the race.
Below is the paraphrased version of the debate I just watched:
Hosts: "We are excited to have this debate between the 4 gubernatorial candidates here at Belmont University tonight. But mostly, we are excited to have an excuse to use the word "gubernatorial." Just to remind you, half of the questions we will use will come from crazy people who wrote in online, and the other half we will ask ourselves. But you get to try to decide which is which, and it will be startlingly difficult to tell. Also, there was a Presidential debate here 2years ago, and that was much more important than what you are about to watch. Just so you know.
"Anyway, let's introduce the candidates:
"First we have the crazy bald guy with anger management issues, Republican Zach Wamp. Then we have well-monied Republican who won't break a sweat in this debate because he's going to win anyway, Bill Haslam. Third, the token Democrat, Mike McWherter, who is old beyond his years and may or may not be asleep. Finally, we have Ron Ramsey (R) who has made the fact that he wears boots his central message so far in this campaign. Let's begin:"
First Question: How, specifically, would you reduce state spending?
Wamp (R): Thanks for asking the question. We need to tighten our belt, starting next January. Thanks again for the question.
Haslam: We need to make a lot of small cuts to our spending.
McWherter: The last governor made it work, so will I.
Ramsey: No one has given any specifics, so I guess I'm the only one who has a plan. But I'm not going to tell you my plan. You'll have to vote me into office and then wait and see. (HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!)
Next Question: The U.S. is a union of immigrants. Do you see Tennessee taking a similar stance on immigration as Arizona?
Haslam: The U.S. has a problem with immigration. I'm not going to answer the question with any specifics, because if I do, people might not vote for me, and I'm the front-runner so there's no point in pissing anyone off.
McWherter: My turn? Really? Didn't I just answer a question five minutes ago? Well, um, it's the federal government's problem, not mine.
Ramsey: This is where I differ from the other candidates. I also think illegal immigration is a problem. Also, if we shoot the illegal immigrants, they will die a cold, scary death, and aftewards we will spit on their graves.! (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) Also, I like to wear boots.
Wamp: Arizona has done the right thing. I would move there if they would vote for me to be their governor. And if they won't, I will crush them.
Question 3: What's your education plan?
McWheter: I've really got nothing. Whatever our last governor did seems to be working, so let's stick with that. And then I'd like a nap.
Ramsey: Let's take the money away from the poor schools and give them to the rich ones, so that we can take our nation back.
Wamp: I don't have any ideas, so I'm going to look really intently into the camera. If you don't vote for me, I will kill you.
Haslam: I have a four-point plan that says absolutely nothing. Which is fine, because I'm going to win anyway.
Question 4: How would you help small businesses?
Ramsey: I'm the only one up here that has ever run a small business. But I would do absolutely nothing to help you.
Haslam: I love small businesses.
McWherter: Thank you for your question. We give lots of tax breaks. I want to give you one as well. But you have to promise to vote for me first.
Wamp: I love small business too. Also, I'm going to ramble incohertently for a while to fill out my alloted time because I have nothing else to say. Except that I will kick your ass if you don't vote for me.
Question 4: Should evolution be taught in school?
McWherter: Our public schools should blend science and religion. First Amendment be damned. As "long as we're responsible with it." No, I have no idea what that means. But it's past my bedtime, so what do you expect?
Ramsey: Jesus is my co-pilot. We need to teach God in our public schools. It is the government's job to convert your kids to the government's favored religious views. Also, I believe in a small government that doesn't interfere with our daily life.
Wamp: We need to make Bible reading mandatory. Every piece of non-biblical "science" needs to be counter acted by equal doses of Old Time Religion.
Haslam: I'm sorry, but the rest of you are crazy.
Question 5: Should Muslims be allowed to exist?
Ramsey: Put them on their flying carpets and send them back where they came from. Give 'em the boot! (I'm wearing boots. You see what I did there?)
Halsam: Why would I answer a question like this? As long as I don't say anthing offensive, I'm going to win!
McWherter: Did someone say something about a nap? A nice comfy carpet sounds good right about now-- it's almost 9!
Wamp: No.
Final Question: How do you feel about the environment?
Ramsey: Screw it. Hahahahahahah!
Wamp: I know a lot about the environment. Also, I'm getting really angry by engaging in this debate. Would anyone like to fight?
Halsam: Yes.
McWherter: Can I answer this tomorrow? I'm tired. I like what the last governor did about the environment. If you loved him, you'll be somewhat fond of me. Also, did you notice that I'm the only candidate wearing a blue dress shirt? Democrat. Wearing blue. You see what I did there?
Closing Statement:
Ramsey: I wear boots. The country is in "aheckuva shape." Vote for me. I'm God's favorite. Hahahahahahahahahaha!
Wamp: God wants me to win. God told me I'm going to win. And if I don't, God will kick your ass.
McWheter: Wha? I thought the questions were over. You just interrupted a really good dream. I dreamed that people voted for me, because the last governor was pretty good and I'll do whatever he did.
Halsam: Listen, every other candidate up here is certifiably insane. I haven't said a lot in this debate, but please know that I'm at least sane enough to realize that I really don't need to. Because these other three guys are nuts. I'm embarrassed to be sharing a stage with them.
Below is the paraphrased version of the debate I just watched:
Hosts: "We are excited to have this debate between the 4 gubernatorial candidates here at Belmont University tonight. But mostly, we are excited to have an excuse to use the word "gubernatorial." Just to remind you, half of the questions we will use will come from crazy people who wrote in online, and the other half we will ask ourselves. But you get to try to decide which is which, and it will be startlingly difficult to tell. Also, there was a Presidential debate here 2years ago, and that was much more important than what you are about to watch. Just so you know.
"Anyway, let's introduce the candidates:
"First we have the crazy bald guy with anger management issues, Republican Zach Wamp. Then we have well-monied Republican who won't break a sweat in this debate because he's going to win anyway, Bill Haslam. Third, the token Democrat, Mike McWherter, who is old beyond his years and may or may not be asleep. Finally, we have Ron Ramsey (R) who has made the fact that he wears boots his central message so far in this campaign. Let's begin:"
First Question: How, specifically, would you reduce state spending?
Wamp (R): Thanks for asking the question. We need to tighten our belt, starting next January. Thanks again for the question.
Haslam: We need to make a lot of small cuts to our spending.
McWherter: The last governor made it work, so will I.
Ramsey: No one has given any specifics, so I guess I'm the only one who has a plan. But I'm not going to tell you my plan. You'll have to vote me into office and then wait and see. (HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!)
Next Question: The U.S. is a union of immigrants. Do you see Tennessee taking a similar stance on immigration as Arizona?
Haslam: The U.S. has a problem with immigration. I'm not going to answer the question with any specifics, because if I do, people might not vote for me, and I'm the front-runner so there's no point in pissing anyone off.
McWherter: My turn? Really? Didn't I just answer a question five minutes ago? Well, um, it's the federal government's problem, not mine.
Ramsey: This is where I differ from the other candidates. I also think illegal immigration is a problem. Also, if we shoot the illegal immigrants, they will die a cold, scary death, and aftewards we will spit on their graves.! (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) Also, I like to wear boots.
Wamp: Arizona has done the right thing. I would move there if they would vote for me to be their governor. And if they won't, I will crush them.
Question 3: What's your education plan?
McWheter: I've really got nothing. Whatever our last governor did seems to be working, so let's stick with that. And then I'd like a nap.
Ramsey: Let's take the money away from the poor schools and give them to the rich ones, so that we can take our nation back.
Wamp: I don't have any ideas, so I'm going to look really intently into the camera. If you don't vote for me, I will kill you.
Haslam: I have a four-point plan that says absolutely nothing. Which is fine, because I'm going to win anyway.
Question 4: How would you help small businesses?
Ramsey: I'm the only one up here that has ever run a small business. But I would do absolutely nothing to help you.
Haslam: I love small businesses.
McWherter: Thank you for your question. We give lots of tax breaks. I want to give you one as well. But you have to promise to vote for me first.
Wamp: I love small business too. Also, I'm going to ramble incohertently for a while to fill out my alloted time because I have nothing else to say. Except that I will kick your ass if you don't vote for me.
Question 4: Should evolution be taught in school?
McWherter: Our public schools should blend science and religion. First Amendment be damned. As "long as we're responsible with it." No, I have no idea what that means. But it's past my bedtime, so what do you expect?
Ramsey: Jesus is my co-pilot. We need to teach God in our public schools. It is the government's job to convert your kids to the government's favored religious views. Also, I believe in a small government that doesn't interfere with our daily life.
Wamp: We need to make Bible reading mandatory. Every piece of non-biblical "science" needs to be counter acted by equal doses of Old Time Religion.
Haslam: I'm sorry, but the rest of you are crazy.
Question 5: Should Muslims be allowed to exist?
Ramsey: Put them on their flying carpets and send them back where they came from. Give 'em the boot! (I'm wearing boots. You see what I did there?)
Halsam: Why would I answer a question like this? As long as I don't say anthing offensive, I'm going to win!
McWherter: Did someone say something about a nap? A nice comfy carpet sounds good right about now-- it's almost 9!
Wamp: No.
Final Question: How do you feel about the environment?
Ramsey: Screw it. Hahahahahahah!
Wamp: I know a lot about the environment. Also, I'm getting really angry by engaging in this debate. Would anyone like to fight?
Halsam: Yes.
McWherter: Can I answer this tomorrow? I'm tired. I like what the last governor did about the environment. If you loved him, you'll be somewhat fond of me. Also, did you notice that I'm the only candidate wearing a blue dress shirt? Democrat. Wearing blue. You see what I did there?
Closing Statement:
Ramsey: I wear boots. The country is in "aheckuva shape." Vote for me. I'm God's favorite. Hahahahahahahahahaha!
Wamp: God wants me to win. God told me I'm going to win. And if I don't, God will kick your ass.
McWheter: Wha? I thought the questions were over. You just interrupted a really good dream. I dreamed that people voted for me, because the last governor was pretty good and I'll do whatever he did.
Halsam: Listen, every other candidate up here is certifiably insane. I haven't said a lot in this debate, but please know that I'm at least sane enough to realize that I really don't need to. Because these other three guys are nuts. I'm embarrassed to be sharing a stage with them.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
My next governor?
If only I had known about this guy before I voted!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rykcxc5dIts
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rykcxc5dIts
Friday, July 23, 2010
This might be the funniest thing ever
http://jezebel.com/5582562/clueless-secretary-makes-for-hilarious-office-email-thread
Check it out. Blogger has been weird about posting links lately, but if you click on the blog title, it will direct you.
Check it out. Blogger has been weird about posting links lately, but if you click on the blog title, it will direct you.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Greatest Hits
A lot has happened in the last couple of days, but most of it I've blogged about already. Weeks ago.
You may recall me devoting a couple of posts after the flood to explaining the wonders of the FEMA's operational methods, which include many well-thought out ideas such as refusing to tell disaster victims which losses are eligible for reimbursement and which ones aren't as well as a dogmatic insistence on communicating with me in Spanish.
Last week, I got an unsolicited actual phone call from a FEMA agent, who very nicely let me know (in English, surprisingly) that my appeal had been denied. The very polite woman even went so far as to agree with me that the agency should probably itemize their award letters to inform victims as to how they arrive at their award numbers, so people aren't forced to appeal just to get an explanation of their benefits. She apologized profusely that the agency couldn't do anything to help and wished me good luck in our recovery. Two days later we got an electronic deposit from FEMA for $700.
We got a letter in the mail yesterday stating (in both English and Spanish) that our appeal was granted in the amount of $692.94, with no further explanation. Sadly, this will conclude our FEMA experience.
You might also recall my posting about the bizarre characters at my local gym. I forgot to include Old Guy With Whooping Cough as one the recurring characters in that story. I would explain him in detail, but the title pretty much tells it all, except for the fact that he absolutely refuses to cover his mouth and generally manages to find a treadmill right next to mine.
Anyway, I really wish I would have waited on that post, because more stuff keeps happening. Last night, the only two people there were me and Mohawk Trainer Guy, who was wearing his trademark flip-flops. Perhaps not coincidentally, we were working out on polar opposite ends of the gym. But he was nice enough to leave, for the duration of his workout, a full water bottle on a machine next to me that I would have otherwise used. I guess he wanted to me to have it nearby just in case I got lonely. Or thirsty. And that wasn't nearly as bad as Air Guitar Guy, who last week stored his iphone on a piece of equipment he wasn't using and then used the phone to check his email after every single set of his 45-minute workout.
I'm assuming he was waiting to hear back from FEMA.
You may recall me devoting a couple of posts after the flood to explaining the wonders of the FEMA's operational methods, which include many well-thought out ideas such as refusing to tell disaster victims which losses are eligible for reimbursement and which ones aren't as well as a dogmatic insistence on communicating with me in Spanish.
Last week, I got an unsolicited actual phone call from a FEMA agent, who very nicely let me know (in English, surprisingly) that my appeal had been denied. The very polite woman even went so far as to agree with me that the agency should probably itemize their award letters to inform victims as to how they arrive at their award numbers, so people aren't forced to appeal just to get an explanation of their benefits. She apologized profusely that the agency couldn't do anything to help and wished me good luck in our recovery. Two days later we got an electronic deposit from FEMA for $700.
We got a letter in the mail yesterday stating (in both English and Spanish) that our appeal was granted in the amount of $692.94, with no further explanation. Sadly, this will conclude our FEMA experience.
You might also recall my posting about the bizarre characters at my local gym. I forgot to include Old Guy With Whooping Cough as one the recurring characters in that story. I would explain him in detail, but the title pretty much tells it all, except for the fact that he absolutely refuses to cover his mouth and generally manages to find a treadmill right next to mine.
Anyway, I really wish I would have waited on that post, because more stuff keeps happening. Last night, the only two people there were me and Mohawk Trainer Guy, who was wearing his trademark flip-flops. Perhaps not coincidentally, we were working out on polar opposite ends of the gym. But he was nice enough to leave, for the duration of his workout, a full water bottle on a machine next to me that I would have otherwise used. I guess he wanted to me to have it nearby just in case I got lonely. Or thirsty. And that wasn't nearly as bad as Air Guitar Guy, who last week stored his iphone on a piece of equipment he wasn't using and then used the phone to check his email after every single set of his 45-minute workout.
I'm assuming he was waiting to hear back from FEMA.
Overheard on 5th Avenue downtown...
First Woman: It's just stupid. It's just plain stupid.
Second Woman: It is duummmmmmmmmmbbbbbb.
FW: It's just plain stupid. (pause) I don't know what they doing, but it's stupid. Why do they wanna be so stupid?
SW: Well, I think it's stupid.
FW: It's just stupid. (long pause) Stupid. Stupid.
SW: I agree. Stupid.
I wish I knew what they were talking about. But it was probably something stupid.
Second Woman: It is duummmmmmmmmmbbbbbb.
FW: It's just plain stupid. (pause) I don't know what they doing, but it's stupid. Why do they wanna be so stupid?
SW: Well, I think it's stupid.
FW: It's just stupid. (long pause) Stupid. Stupid.
SW: I agree. Stupid.
I wish I knew what they were talking about. But it was probably something stupid.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
The Return of the Pool...
Life often develops into patterns that keep repeating. It's happening again now.
In the worst possible way.
My first real blog post was about how my evil neighbor had an above ground pool they never cleaned, the ear-splittingly loud frogs that it attracted, and the desperate lengths to which I had to resort to rid myself of the problem. Finally.
Until this week.
You see, the Health Department might have made my neighbor get rid of their old disgustingly brown pool, but they didn't tell her she couldn't get a new, slightly larger one to replace it! So that is exactly what she did while I was out of town last week (hardly a coincidence, I'm sure).
I came home to a new above-ground pool in my neighbor's back yard that's of such high quality that it's not only been patched once already in its 3 days of existence, the patch itself has subsequently been patched with duct tape. At this rate, it's only a matter of time until she ends up patching the duct tape with bubble gum.
Yes, for some reason, after failing to take care of her pool for the past 2 years, to the point where the Health Department, on its fourth visit, made her take action, my neighbor decided it would be a good idea to get a new one almost immediately thereafter.
There is no possible explanation for this other than that she is just trying to spite me. She can't possibly think this pool experiment is going to work out better than the last one. This is like watching your friend leave an abusive relationship only to immediately start dating a guy named "Ox." It's just not going to end well, every else in the world knows it, but there's just nothing you can do.
Oh well. I enjoyed those three months of sleep.
There is one silver lining, though: in an apparent effort to "class up" the pool, she has this time installed a tiki torch at each corner. So at least this summer, when the pool inevitably turns brown and the frogs come back, I can creatively use those same torches to solve the problem.
Wait, did I say that out loud?
In the worst possible way.
My first real blog post was about how my evil neighbor had an above ground pool they never cleaned, the ear-splittingly loud frogs that it attracted, and the desperate lengths to which I had to resort to rid myself of the problem. Finally.
Until this week.
You see, the Health Department might have made my neighbor get rid of their old disgustingly brown pool, but they didn't tell her she couldn't get a new, slightly larger one to replace it! So that is exactly what she did while I was out of town last week (hardly a coincidence, I'm sure).
I came home to a new above-ground pool in my neighbor's back yard that's of such high quality that it's not only been patched once already in its 3 days of existence, the patch itself has subsequently been patched with duct tape. At this rate, it's only a matter of time until she ends up patching the duct tape with bubble gum.
Yes, for some reason, after failing to take care of her pool for the past 2 years, to the point where the Health Department, on its fourth visit, made her take action, my neighbor decided it would be a good idea to get a new one almost immediately thereafter.
There is no possible explanation for this other than that she is just trying to spite me. She can't possibly think this pool experiment is going to work out better than the last one. This is like watching your friend leave an abusive relationship only to immediately start dating a guy named "Ox." It's just not going to end well, every else in the world knows it, but there's just nothing you can do.
Oh well. I enjoyed those three months of sleep.
There is one silver lining, though: in an apparent effort to "class up" the pool, she has this time installed a tiki torch at each corner. So at least this summer, when the pool inevitably turns brown and the frogs come back, I can creatively use those same torches to solve the problem.
Wait, did I say that out loud?
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