The Corona Virus came and greatly overstayed its welcome. Then the Murder Hornets flew in. Beloved celebrities passed, and there's new injustice, corruption, and violence everywhere. Hurricanes destroyed cities, and wildfires nearly destroyed California. I didn't even know there was such a thing as a fire tornado.
Memes about how uniquely bad 2020 has been--how it feels like we are constantly under attack--are all over the Internet. They aren't wrong.
But I'm not sure they are right either.
Maybe I'm just used to it by now.
My latest news is that I think I'm having an MS attack. If so, it would be the first since the one four years ago that led to my diagnosis.
That's the unique struggle of 2020, right?
Well, not really. I've had at least one ongoing overarching life struggle pretty much ever since my 2016 diagnosis, except for maybe one Tuesday last November. That was a lovely day. I got even coffee. But otherwise, 2020 just seems like life, with a side helping of Netflix.
Not to brag, but consider: In November 2016 I went blind in one eye, and started getting shooting pains in all parts of my body at random intervals. (And when I say "all," well, use your imagination.) Among other things, MS gave me pain and soreness in my left hip that I didn't kick for about six months, which was about the same time I also accidentally kicked the wrong side of a dark street curb. I broke my knee.
After a speedy 18-month recovery, I thought I was finally clear. But right as I finished my 34 physical therapy sessions, my dentist (who, for the record, was not the same person as my physical therapist) told me the roots of my upper front tooth were broken. I would have to get it extracted and new bone inserted in; the process of getting a new one implanted took 11 months. In the meantime I had to wear an ill-fitting contraption that attached to the roof of my mouth and had a flimsy fake tooth on it to fill the space. It fell out commonly, and sometimes on public streets. I couldn't eat with it in either, but in its defense, taking it out was a cool trick at parties.
It wasn't all bad. Between my eye patch for the blindness, and the missing tooth, I didn't need to buy a costume to be a pirate for Halloween. Had I thought ahead, I might have just gotten my broken leg amputated too, and a pegleg inserted! That was a missed opportunity, there.
When my tooth implant was finally done, I developed some monster stomach issue that felt like a 4-week bout of food poisoning. My doctors were concerned enough about it to move up my colonoscopy and give me every other test on earth, some of which involved things way grosser than a colonoscopy. (It's best if I don't mention it here. Or ever again.) All my tests came back negative over the next few weeks, and the doctor diagnosed it as a lingering virus. Maybe I just wasn't used to eating with all my teeth. Or maybe something from one of those city sidewalks stayed on my removeable tooth a little too long. I did work in San Francisco, after all.
I finally got the all-clear diagnosis on my stomach the day before I moved to Georgia last November. I liked my new job. I got coffee one Tuesday, and relaxed a little during the holidays. I'm pretty sure I even got coffee on a Thursday as well. It was lovely.
A few weeks into the new year I tore a ligament in my ankle and a tendon in my finger. After weeks of rehab, I was finally able to walk again and explore a new city and make new friends...right as the Corona Virus hit and everything shut down.
And here we are.
But my point isn't to complain. Far from it. As far as I know, I haven't caught the 'Rona, and I haven't lost a loved on to it. I get to work from home now most of the time, which is nice when you have MS. I can go back to a house in California and see old friends on our relaxing patio. My wife and I can entertain, along with our cat, when I'm in town. The cat often screws up the recipes, but she does her best. She blames the lack of opposable thumbs. (We let her do the cooking because she has terrible taste in choosing wines. Her picks tend to taste like sour milk, with a hint of kibble on the finish). But I appreciate whatever she can provide. Sometimes we have to learn to take joy whatever we can find.
I think that approach what has been keeping me going. (Not letting the cat cook. I mean taking whatever comes and trying to make the best.) I remember that some things are better in this version of life. I've gotten to buzz through a few really good things on Netflix I probably would have missed otherwise. Weekends are most restful. I can listen to a few different church services on Sunday morning; try more new restaurants (via takeout); read more books. I don't have kids to entertain, so I got to make progress on a book I'd been procrastinating for too long. Sometimes the introvert in me summons the energy to call someone, and they probably have time to talk.
Life can still be annoying, and I don't mean to gloss over that. Back when I left the house, I used to hate to come home with precious little energy to face bills from incorrect bills, broken appliances, upsetting social media posts, and websites that can't remember my passwords. Now I have to face those things I don't even get to leave the house.
It's exhausting, and I'm exhausted frequently. I just want to live in a world where no one is being too pushy and things work as they should.
But that isn't life.
Maybe its imperfections are why, along with the summer, heat, that my right hip has locked up, the random nerve shocks have increased, and my energy seems gone. (At least the bizarre nightmares I remember from my last episode seem to have come in there place!) I hope they leave soon, and I hope they take the virus with it.
But whatever happens, things will be ok. I haven't gone blind again yet, so I'm hoping whatever symptoms I'm going through now won't progress much more. I can get more sleep to fight this off, since there is nowhere else I need to be. I feel better today than I did yesterday.
Whatever happens, with me, or with you for the rest of this year, here's what I know. There's an internal reservoir of strength inside you that you don't realize you have until you find it. There's a joy in something that you hadn't appreciated. There's something along the way to make you smile. You just gotta discover it. You will if you look.
Maybe it's as simple as a fresh pot of coffee that just brewed. I didn't use to appreciate that quite as much as I do now.
