Why I'm Running for President

Hatch Act Note:
This column is a satire not intended to support any political party, nor as a statement in any official capacity. I'm not actually running for anything, unless perhaps I need to catch someone walking away with my ice cream.
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I might as well end the suspense: I hereby officially announce that I'm running for President of the United States in 2016.


"Why am I running for President in 2016?", you might ask.  It's a viable question that I struggled with for several seconds before reaching an obvious answer: I'm running for President in 2016 because 2020 is too far away to make for a very interesting blog post.


It's also my civic duty, because I'm uniquely qualified.


Presumed 2016 front runner Hilary Clinton is in the midst of a scandal based on her never having the fortitude to set up a government email address. In light of this revelation, I am uniquely equipped to pick up her slack, for I, you see, have TWO government email addresses!


That's right, I have one for my agency, and one for the federal department in which my agency is a subpart. This is important, because having a government email address is an important qualification for federal office.


After all, our President will need email in order to do important governmental functions, like setting up a Facebook account or receiving this weeks' Top Travel Deals of the Week from Travelocity. Also, it's a faster method to order a pizza than using the phone.


We don't have time to wait around while the President sets up an email address after the election, because that in that case, the President may miss important national social media conversations necessary to keep a finger on the pulse of American daily life, such as the national debate over the color of a random dress viewed in a computer-generated image.


In that case, the terrorists win.


This is why we need a President who already has a federal email address.  And I have two federal email addresses!


This will be my campaign slogan.


If my qualifications are not already exceedingly clear, you may also recall that Stephen Colbert made fun of a quote of mine in the newspaper last year, which clearly indicates that I'm important, even though he didn't actually use my name.


This will be my other campaign slogan.


Of course, I have big goals as President. I would make it legal to walk over and smack the dudes at the coffee shop where I'm sitting, because they are talking really loudly and repetitively about how cool some bar down the street is. And if Congress wouldn't pass this law, I would at least press for a resolution recommending that these dudes leave the coffee shop and just GO TO THE BAR ALREADY!!!!


But this wonky legislative discussion might be of limited interest to those of you without political science degrees, so I'll just cut to the case with a list of other things I'd propose to ban:




Carrying miniature dogs around as fashion accessories;


Facebook posts about your kids' poop;


Guys in skinny jeans;
Facebook posts about someone else's kids' poop;


Grocery stores with 20 check out lanes, only two of which are open;
and Facebook posts where you "check in" at mundane or personal destinations like the dry cleaner or your proctologist.




I would also propose a few new laws such as:




Consolidating the Dakotas (the 50th state, every year, will be determined by a reality tv competition, the ad revenue for which will go toward reducing the national debt);

Creating a torture room where anyone making construction noise in a residential area must spend an equivalent number of hours listening to jackhammers while they go about their own daily lives, as punishment for their sins;


Decreeing that every 3-day weekend must begin on a Friday, so people have 2 days to recover from their holiday celebration; and


Creating a Facebook portal where you can be exempted from viewing political opinions, game invites, and demands to re-post a given platitude "if you're a real (fill in the blank)."




But that's enough policy talk for now.


You might wonder in which party I plan to seek the nomination. I have considered this question at length and decided that my above-stated platform transcends party affiliation, so I plan on entering my name on both major tickets. As an added benefit, this will also double my chances of getting elected.


Truth be told, it doesn't actually matter what issues I campaign on, or which party I represent, because I don't plan on actually doing anything I promise in any event.  So maybe I'll promise to close Guantanamo Bay, or that my insurance plan won't make anyone get health insurance who doesn't want it, like the guy who got re-elected despite inaccuracies on both those counts. Or maybe, like the guy before him, I'll promise a humble foreign policy and responsible fiscal management only to decide to colonize another sovereign nation with borrowed money, because, well, it's been a slow Tuesday.  He got re-elected too.


But unlike past these Presidents, I won't let anyone down by failing to keep my campaign promises. It's not that I plan on keeping them, I just plan on stating upfront that I'm full of it. Indeed, I don't promise that I'll actually keep any of my promises, and this position will allow me to have a fantastic campaign speech.  All I promise is that when I break my promises--and I will--you can at least send me an email.


At either of two government email addresses.


#Andrew2016